Grief Struggles On

I got my hair cut on Friday. I’d had to cancel my appointment in June because I was out of town for a couple of days. Early August was the soonest she could fit me in.

As I sat there, wet hair being combed and snipped, it struck me that the last time I’d been here — in late May — Mum was alive and healthy. How can so much change in between two hair cuts?

People ask me how I am — and I know they mean it. I say that I’m mostly OK. I mostly am. There are moments, lots of them, when my thoughts collide with reality. My counselor says I’m still in shock. It doesn’t feel like it. So how will I know when I’m out of shock?

I tend to get saddest at night, before bed. Perhaps because the day is finally quiet and I have time to do more than go from one activity to the next. I started crying the other evening and Adam held me and said something to the effect of, “You haven’t cried in a few days, so this is probably good.”

Sometimes I’m not sure if I’m supposed to talk about Mum or not to other people. Today I’m wearing a shirt she bought me. A coworker complimented it and I mentioned it was from my mum. Then wondered if I should. But then I remembered that it’s only a terribly sad thing for me. At most it might make someone else feel a bit awkward, if they don’t quite know how to react. I’m not always sure how it will make me feel, to talk about her. Sometimes it feels warm, sometimes hollow.

A better answer to how I am is that I miss her every moment, ever day, but most of the time I deal with it all right. Some moments are harder than others: Duncan’s birthday (which I was sure she’d still be here for), getting my haircut and realizing my hair dresser knows nothing of how my life has changed in a short interval, holding Berry while she cries, loudly missing her Nanny.

3 thoughts on “Grief Struggles On

  1. Sending you a lot of love, Jo.

  2. write some new music, Jo… will help keep you and the kids close to her. Then Berry can sing to Nanny instead of crying for her.

  3. Wow. Keep the head up. Sounds tuff. I agree with the idea of writing music, or other creative outlet (perhaps more blogging). Just keep the positiveness flowing.

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