Giving up control

A question I get asked a lot these days is “how long are your working ’til?” This usually comes right after the expression of surprise that I’m still there at all. Either because I guess they wouldn’t still be working or because they think I’m ready to pop at any literal minute.

It’s a fair question. And one that I haven’t had the answer to. But after talking with my midwife and HR this week, I have made a decision – no later than July 6. (I’m due July 10, which is a Sunday, the 6th is the Wednesday before.) Presuming Duncan doesn’t make his appearance earlier than that.

Which brings me to another thought I’ve been ruminating on lately – not being in control. Not that I have been in control of my body and how it’s changed throughout the last 9 months. But now I’m really, really not at the helm.

I have no idea of when I’m going to give birth. Sure, I have inklings — maybe even this weekend, definitely before July 10 (which makes my last day of work a moot point) — but it’s not like I have any say in it. It’s all about my body and the little guy working together to decide when he’s going to join us on the outside.

I think that’s OK, though.

When I first got this date of June 26 in my head as his probable date of birth, I couldn’t wait for it to get here. I was all gung ho about him being born 2 weeks early and insistent to everyone I talked to who poo-pooed the idea that a first time mum could have her baby early (Why do people like to tell me I’ll be 2 weeks late? Do they get pleasure out of that?) that it was possible. But now that it’s June 24, I feel like I could stand to wait another week or so. Maybe even two. Maybe even July 14 would be a fine day to be born. In any event, within 3 weeks from now I’ll have a baby in my arms.

My other control issue — and perhaps the reason behind my sudden OK-ness with continuing to be pregnant — is that once the whole labor thing starts, I have no ability to either keep it going or make it stop. That’s up to my body to know what it’s doing. I do factor in there — how I deal with it, how I put my hypnobabies instruction into practice, how well I’m able to relax and focus and just ride the waves. But it’s just a ride I’m on that I have to go with.

A rollercoaster where, anytime now, the jostling crowd might push me on board, safety bar pinning in me in my seat as we head upwards for some breakneck dips and twirls. Going into the unknown, eyes wide open. I’ve never done this before.

One thought on “Giving up control

  1. Just two weeks and then you will be back in control!

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