I’m in an uncomfortable place right now — somewhere I feel that no matter what I do, I can’t win. I’ll probably get raked over the coals by someone for blogging about it. At least that’s how it feels.
But I have a situation where if I’m honest about how I feel, then I risk hurting someone’s feelings. And being told that I’m disrespectful, unpleasant and mean. But if I try to avoid conflict by not really saying how I feel…I don’t know, I still end up with a less-than-stellar response.
Maybe I go about things in the wrong way. Maybe I should just flat out say what’s on my mind and deal with the confrontation and resulting…I don’t know, whatever it results in that I’m apparently afraid of dealing with.
I don’t even know how to write about it without being totally vague. Why write about it at all? I’m a writer. It’s how I deal with stuff.
I think the heart of the situation is that someone I once looked up to and trusted has let me down. And I’m being told that I should still respect that person and follow their leadership when I cannot, in good conscience, do so. Because of things going on my own life (like having a rough pregnancy, then a baby, and making a living for my family), I haven’t had the emotional resources to do something to affect positive change about the situation. So I’ve backed off.
Occasionally, I have to be a part of the situation. Life is like that. And I deal with it the best way I know how, but somehow that ends up being the wrong thing to do.
I guess what it comes down to is that “you can’t please all the people all the time” and that not everyone is going to like me, especially when I share my version of the truth that puts them in an uncomfortable place.
And I thought being a grown up was going to be great.
Mostly I love being in charge of my life, of deciding my future and making my way in the world. Dealing with other people — that can still be a tough one for me. I think I still have some emotional baggage to deal with. But it’s worth the work to be a wholly functioning person.