Loner mum

I haven’t posted in a bit. Well, compared with my daily baby postings.

We’ve all had colds this week which means we’ve been tired and cranky. Me included. So there’s been more lying on the couch snuggling, watching movies and too many episodes of Star Trek than anything else.

I found a load of laundry fermenting in the washing machine today. I must have put it on earlier in the week and forgotten to put it in the dryer. So THAT’S where my bra and one-pair-of-pants-that-fit went.

I’ve got to say, this whole parenthood thing is tough. There’s no break from it. No relief. No reprieve. No ability to walk away for a while even when you’ve had enough.

I called my sister-in-law the other day and asked her to come over and take care of Duncan for a while so I could sleep. She’s awesome and she came right over. And he proceeded to scream. Not just fuss a little – really cry. She wasn’t doing anything wrong, let me say that first. She bounced him and rocked him and swung him and shusshed him and…it worked – for 2 minutes. And then he’d start crying again. She tried feeding and changing the diaper.

Through this, I’m trying to drift off to sleep. But I can’t. I’m biologically unable to switch off when my child is crying. Even though I know he’s in good and loving hands. Even though I really don’t want to be the one holding him at that moment and am glad and grateful that someone else is willing to give it a go.

So I went downstairs and we swaddled him up and I gave him the boobie and he mysteriously drifted off into contented sleep. Which meant I could as well.

So there is no walking away or switching off from it. Even when there’s someone willing to help and hold and give you a break. And that part is hard for me.

I was thinking today about how I’ve always been a very independent person. I like my alone time. I adore spending time with Kevin (and not getting enough of that is my other problem right now). He’s one of the very few people I can stand spending significant stretches of time with. But I’ve always needed my time alone.

I grew up alone. I spent so much time wandering around and exploring wherever we were living on my own. And it got lonely, but I also got used to it. So it’s a huge adjustment for me to have this little person constantly attached me to me. Especially when it prevents me from doing stuff I’d like to do. Like sleep when I need to. I haven’t played guitar since before he was born. It’s a bit hard when he’s always in my arms. I wonder if I could fit it over me with him in the sling…

I should add that I absolutely love Duncan. And I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything. I wouldn’t go back and not have him (even if that were physically possible). I just didn’t realize it would be quite this challenging some days. But until you experience it, I don’t think there’s any way you can.

One thought on “Loner mum

  1. Your words bring tears to my eyes. Yes, you nailed it. I have felt every letter of what you wrote (except, maybe, the guitar part) – a well written and perfect post, Jo.

    -JenB (up for a feeding of course)

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