I’m not saying I want to manifest angst. I don’t.
But reading Liz Lawley’s blog post today made me realize that one of the things that’s going on with me is that I’m just not as angstful as I used to be. Which leaves me less reason to write – blog posts, poetry or songs.
Before I went to Convergence last weekend, I had thought about how I don’t feel the urge to write poetry much anymore. I used to HAVE to write. Granted, I was 16 and sitting in American History class learning misrepresentations about Native Americans. Or algebra or French class. I had time to think and observe and let my thoughts wander. And those observations had to come out of me someway.
Then I wrote songs about finding my way through troubled relationships, happy relationships, and the tumultuous relationship with myself. I wrote about leaving home, being forced to leave my home, wanting to find a new place to belong – whatever it was that I was living and observing and processing.
Not that I haven’t been processing while pregnant. But it just hasn’t come out in words like it used to. And there has been some angst. There’s been worry. But always the knowledge that some how, things will work out in their way. And they are 🙂
I also have a different desire these days – I want to focus on the positive things, on the things I WANT, rather than the things I don’t want. Focus on the wanting, not the lack. So writing about the things that do bring me angst, well, won’t that just bring me more angst?
So much is changing right now. In a good way. In a way I’ve always dreamed of – being married, being happy, starting a family. Growing spiritually. And personally. It feels really good (well, most of the time).
I realized while driving to work this morning that a year ago, I was playing gigs at the Lilac Festival. That I had to finagle a time change on one gig so I could make it to my friend’s impromptu wedding to play there (and attend it). I haven’t played a gig since last fall – but I can’t say that I miss it. Something else has caught my attention (hmmm…wonder what that could be?). I’m being creative in an entirely different way.
OK, enough navel-gazing. At least these days my belly does a dance for me when I stare at it. 😉